Redneck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
Throughout the trailer park
No sounds could be heard
Not even a bark
Empty beer cans were stacked
By the outhouse door
In hopes that Uncle Rick
Would soon bring some more
The children were nestled
In their cardboard beds
While their parents were passed out
From the booze in their heads
When out from the night
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my sleep
To see what was the matter
I went to the window
And wiped off the crud
When out in the yard
I heard a great thud
I saw an old pickup truck
With deer on the hood
Uncle Rick had arrived
Like I knew he would
In a stupor he stumbled
And cursed in the night
Dragging a bag full of beer
An unforgettable sight
With a friggin’ and a MoFo
And a dammit to hell
He somehow slipped
And fell down the well
And though the morning came
Like a steaming hot turd
I still can remember
Uncle Ricky’s last words
“This holiday sucks
And my life is a fight,
Merry Christmas my ass
And my ass you can bite!”

'Tis The Season...AGAIN!
So here we are once again, The Holiday Season; Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. And once again we find ourselves saying, “Where the hell did the year go?” It goes by so fast and even faster as we get older. But for a brief period in time, the world is more wonderful than usual, cheerier and friendlier. We wish we could be kids again and still believed in Santa Claus and all the wonder of that feeling and still love the sight of a new snowfall. But as we get older, snowstorms are our mortal enemy, especially when you drive for a living and the only thing that really creates that sense of wonderment of Saint Nick is having children of our own and to live everything through their eyes.
My children are older now and although I still love the holidays tremendously with all of the family together it is a tad bittersweet knowing that another year has gone by. I guess I won’t have that childlike feeling again until I am a grandparent someday… but I am not quite ready for that just yet. For now, I will just enjoy the way it is, be thankful that everyone is still alive and healthy and trod outside to shovel that white stuff until my hands are frostbitten. When I am finished doing that and stand back to admire the job I did, the plow will come by and block me in once again and I will find myself saying the beautiful colorful things my dad would say in those situations or maybe even make up a few new words of my own.
Either way, be thankful, be happy and cherish the ones around you because that is what truly makes the holiday season what it is…A magic time in our lives.

Happy Holidays and thanks for reading from, THE COMEDY TORNADO!!

What's New

Well, A lot of things have been happening so I haven't been able to blog much. So here I am to get everyone up to date. I have been working on my second CD of Original Serious Music, which will be called "Back Again" after the title track. I have added some clips to YouTube of some of my new comedy bits that have been requested by many of you. I have been working on a new place to record a new DVD of my comedy show and I just had my first book released called "Brand Spankin' New Limericks". I co-wrote it with a good friend of mine, Rob Church, and we had a ball working on it. We also have started writing a sequel to it just in case the first one sells well and the publisher asks for it. It is cuurently only available online at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and my own online store on my website but it will be in all of the stores very shortly. I am assuming that will be in a week or two from the date of this blog.
So, as you can see, I have been a very busy boy these days and that's not even counting my personal family life, in which one must have balance to remain happy and keep the loved ones around them happy.
Also, people have been asking me about my MYSPACE page and all I can say is that I hardly go to it and haven't had the time to learn about it much so far. I have it up just to have another presence on the web for people to find me. I update my own website continually and really enjoy doing things on there instead at comedytornado.com. You will also notice that I have some new technology on there now too. When you go to my website, I will appear on it and talk to you and each time you go to it, there will be different messages. I did about 8 different ones that are spread out all over my pages. I would very much like to thank Rob Perna of CameoHD for doing this for me. He is a very dear friend, great producer and director that I have had a long business relationship with. He was the Producer/Director of the comedy show "Rascal's Comedy Hour" from the 80's and 90's that I was the Musical Director, Writer and Performer for. I miss that show immensely. We had so much fun doing those shows during the comedy heydays. Plus being a headliner myself, I don't get to see other headliners unless we are doing a benefit or I go out to see their show on one of my off nights. On Rascal's Comedy Hour, being one of the principals of the show, I was able to see everyone that came through town to do the show. What a blast we used to have in the green room before and after those shows. What a great era.
I will be writing more blogs very soon so keep watching. I have so many more things to say and write about. Stay tuned and as always, thanks for reading from, THE COMEDY TORNADO!!

Driving In New Jersey

Being an entertainer for all of my life, I have been driving for many years all over this great country and I have noticed that drivers of certain states have definite traits of their own that is individualistic to themselves. For example, everyone knows that in Florida the people drive extremely slow. That is their very own characteristic while New Yorkers drive like they are in a race. Everything is a competition on the roads there. They might not always drive fast but if you try to pass them they speed up. It becomes a game. Pennsylvania drivers absolutely drive me nuts. I love the people there dearly but they can’t drive a lick. They move slowly and they don’t move over. If you have three lanes, they spread out and all drive the same speed, thus bringing traffic to a slow crawl. Thank God I don’t have a gun in the van, that’s all I can say.
But let me write about what this article is really about…Driving In New Jersey! Oh my God, where do I start? New Jersey has the most roadways and the most cars on those roadways per square mile than any other state in the union. I love this state, especially the Jersey Shore, and the people here are fun-loving terrific citizens but whoever built the roads here should be drawn and quartered, tarred and feathered… how about just shot. What a truly screwed up system of roadways. The Garden State Parkway is one of the most beautiful roads in the country but if you are driving north there may be an exit for a major road and if you are driving south there may not be an exit for the same road. This means you either have to make an illegal turn on the Parkway or drive to the next exit and turn around and come back. That might take you about an extra half hour out of your way. Nice planning guys!
The people of this fine state also love to rubberneck. What that means, in case you don't know the term, is that mototists will slow down or even stop to look at something happening on the side of the road. This could be an accident, someone changing a tire, someone fishing off a bridge, people talking on the shoulder, deer feeding or just someone peeing in the bushes. It doesn't matter what the reason is. Suffice it to say that everyone is so nosey.
By the way, if you are in North Jersey don't count on the road signs. They are either missing completely or have been turned in the wrong direction by kids, just to make your trip a little more enjoyable!
Now let me just state that I really respect and like the older generation and I truly appreciate what they have done for our country and what they have sacrificed to give us our freedoms but when it comes to driving most of them should not be anywhere near the road. I live down in Toms River and there are a lot of older people who are on the highways that shouldn’t be. You never know what they are going to do out there and neither do they. They can be in the far left lane and suddenly decide to make a right hand turn into a strip mall. I guess at least they keep the rest of us on our toes but it is already an obstacle course out there and we don’t need any more confusion. I think after a certain age everyone should be made to take a driving test again to see if they qualify. After all, we are dealing with people’s lives here and cars are potential weapons, especially in the wrong hands.
How about those fantastic jughandles? Who invented these brilliant abominations? You can’t make a left turn in this state. If you want to go to a certain business on the other side of a road you are on you have to go to the light and go around the jughandle and then wait for the light. Then you cross over the highway and go around another jughandle and come to another light. You now are on the right side of the road of the business you originally wanted to get to but by the time you get there, it just might be closed. Sometimes it takes you about three or four lights just to get through them because the traffic gets so jammed up going around these things that you might as well pack a lunch if you intend on making this journey.
Now comes the best of the best of total screwups as far as planning Jersey Roads…The Traffic Circles. What were they thinking when they came up with these gems? I have seen so many people panic when they come in to these merry-go-rounds. No one seems to know who has the right of way in these things either. Is it the people on the right coming into them or the people already driving in them? The funny part is watching people trying to get out of these perpetual motion roundabouts! It is a virtual ‘Pin the Tail On the Donkey’ for motorists. People get spun around in these circles and then come out the other end dizzy and disoriented. In Massachusetts they call them a Rotary but they cause the same chaos. Whatever the name, they really should be called by what they are, 'HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF THIS?'. I think if I had a concession stand on the side of the road I could charge money for this sort of entertainment. It might just be my next venture.
Anyway, driving around the country can be fun and very scenic but be aware of the pitfalls you may encounter. Remember, if you are in New York be ready for a contest, if you are in Florida or Pennsylvania I hope you are not in a rush because they won’t be and if you are in New Jersey be ready for the ride of your lives. Oh yes, and if you are in Connecticut be ready for construction delays. That states’ roadways have been under construction for over 30 years now and the end doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight. Whatever company has that contract has got job security to the max.
Good luck in your travels, excursions and frustrations on America’s roadways, especially in New Jersey, and as always, thanks for reading from, THE COMEDY TORNADO!!

My Favorite Top Comedy Songs

Since music is my background and has been since the age of 9 and that I have been a comedian since 1980, I felt it only fitting that I do a Top 10 list of my favorite comedy songs. There have been so many novelty songs on the charts and in movies over the years and I hope I can remember all the ones that I have enjoyed. I will surely do my best to cover them all. If I forget any of yours, let me know and I will update my list. I will just go through most of them and then put them in my list. With all that being said, here we go:
Monty Python has provided numerous songs that I have loved over the years; Sit On My Face, Brave Sir Robin, Look On The Bright Side Of Life and of course their infamous The Lumberjack Song. I also loved the theme song from their old television shows, Monty Python's Flying Circus. It was said by George Harrison that he had felt that when the Beatles broke up, Python had taken the baton, so to speak, and continued with the same aura and spirit. I agree totally. Their shows, movies and songs are classics and so was the play Spamalot, which I thought was absolutely hysterical and brilliant.
Mel Brooks has been terrific at supplying us with great comedy songs and theme songs. Blazing Saddles and I'm Tired from the movie Blazing Saddles, High Anxiety from the movie of the same name, Springtime For Hitler and Prisoners In Love from The Producers, and Putting On The Ritz from Young Frankenstein. Mr. Brooks never ceases to amaze me with his talent and sense of humor.
Ray Stevens has written and performed many, many great comedy songs throughout his illustrious career. Please Mr. Custer, The Streak, Ahab The Arab, Harry The Hairy Ape and one of my favorite titles of all time that they actually were able to fit on the label of the old 45's, Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated, Quick Dissolving, Fast Acting, Pleasant Tasting Green And Purple Pills. I am still amazed that the record company went for that title and agreed to print it on the cover. That's a lot of extra ink per record.
Allen Sherman, in the 50's & 60's, used to do a lot of parodies of classic songs. His most famous one was Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah. It was about the tribulations of a kid at camp. Very funny and relatable for kids and adults alike.
The Playmates did a great comedy song in the 50's that got faster and faster as the tune went along called Beep Beep (Little Nash Rambler). I loved that song as a young boy. It was very unique and was in the rotation on radio stations for many weeks.
Sheb Wooley had a great song in the 50's called Flying Purple People Eater. I remember the visuals that song conjured up as a kid. I mean, how could you possibly escape from a Purple People Eater that could fly too?
Dave Seville had loads of big hits with his famous chipmunks back then; Simon, Theodore and ALVIN! "OKAAAAAY!". The Chipmunk Song and The Witchdoctor were the first songs to use the technology of raising a person's voice mechanically and making it sound like that. Dave's real name was Ross Bagdasarian and his son eventually took over the job later on.
Spike Jones was such a great novelty act of his time and his songs were simply hysterical and unique sounding due to all of the sound effects they used and performed live, I might add. Cocktails For Two and You Always Hurt The One You Love were superb, always made me laugh and still do until this day.

It seems to me that the 50's was a very big era for comedy and novelty songs. I don't really know why they seemed to have disappeared over the years. There are still some around but not in quite abundance as before. Maybe because the world was much more innocent back then and people aren't as easily amused these days. I don't know the reason but I think it's a shame that more aren't made today. I think people need more humor in their lives in these crazy times we live in.

So, here we go:
My Top 10 Favorite Comedy Songs
1. Springtime For Hitler
2. Sit On My Face
3. You Always Hurt The One You Love
4. Brave Sir Robin
5. The Lumberjack Song
6. Please, Mr. Custer
7. Beep Beep (Little Nash Rambler)
8. High Anxiety
9. Look On The Bright Side Of Life
10. Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

My honorable mentions are anything by Weird Al Yankovic, He Had It Coming from the Broadway play Chicago, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Dr. Elmo, Hooray For Captain Spaulding from the movie Animal Crackers with the Marx Brothers and Lydia The Tatooed Lady also with the Marx Brothers from the movie At The Circus, King Tut by Steve Martin, The Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler, Rappin' Rodney by Rodney Dangerfield, Blue Christmas sung by Porky Pig, They're Coming To Take Me Away by Napoleon XIV (aka Jerry Samuels), songs by Stephen Lynch, I Can't Stop My Leg and Colonoscopy by Robert Klein, Everything by John Valby, and Whose Your Little Whosey? from The Stooge with Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

If I didn't mention one of your favorites, let me know and I will add it to my honorable mentions list or update my favorite Top 10 list if I agree with it. I am sure that I have forgotten so many over the years. Until then, thanks again for reading from, THE COMEDY TORNADO!!

My Travels Part 4

I have been doing lots of Fundraisers as of late and I always truly enjoy doing them for many reasons. First off, everyone is in a great mood to begin with because they are there for a great cause, so the audience is always ready to laugh, which is terrific for a comedian to work with. If you can't make a fundraiser audience laugh you might as well look for another vocation. I have been in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York recently for these shows.
I almost died in a severe car accident coming home from a club called Smokey's in Stan Hope, NJ on February 9. Here is my story, but don't worry it has a kind of funny ending. I was driving from Route 206 on the ramp to 80 East, I wasn't even on the main road yet and I hit some black ice. I started to lose control and started sliding right into a massive tree head-on. I knew I couldn't let that happen because I wouldn't have survived that. So, I spun the wheel to try and hit the tree from either the side or the back, which I did. Good job Paul, I thought to myself, but when I banged into the tree with the back of my van it spun me around and sent me down a 40 foot ditch off of the ramp. On the way down so many thoughts went through my head like 1. Oh this is it. I'm gonna die now. 2. I'm gonna die the day after my twin girls birthday...how nice! 3. I just did a kick ass show and now I'm going out like this. It's amazing how much you think of in such a short amount of time. Relativity I guess, right Mr. Einstein? I finally come to a stop at the bottom of the ditch and I realize that the van is destroyed but I am perfectly sound. There is a God. I walk around the area to see what the damage is and everything is all over the place inside the van and outside I realize that most of my windows are gone and that the back of my van is completely totalled. My tires are alright and I think the truck is drivable if I can just get out of the ditch. So I call 911, my motor club and my wife. About 15 minutes later, after gathering my things and putting everything back together somewhat, I walk back up the hill to the ramp and see a trooper and I say, "That was quick" He says, "I didn't come here for you. I didn't even know you were down there. There have been 40 accidents in the last 10 minutes on I-80 due to black ice and they have closed down the road from here (Exit 25) all the way to The Delaware Water Gap." WOW! I have never seen anything like it. It wasn't even cold out but the fog made contact with the road and caused all this mess. It actually looked like a war zone. As I was talking to the trooper cars were sliding into each other and bouncing off the road and turning over all over the place. It was really scary. The trooper said that he had never seen anyone so happy after being in such a terrible accident and I told him that if he saw what I just went through he would know that I was happy just to be alive and be able to see my family and friends again. He then stated that if I was waiting for tow truck it would be about 4 hours with all the accidents going on and that I should just leave my truck down there and go home for now since I was not hurt. There was no way I was going to do that with all of my equipment in the van and no windows anymore. That was my livelihood. So I went back down and started to walk around through all of the brush and small trees and soon realized as I walked along the ditch, parallel to the road, that the slope got less and less about a 1/4 mile down. So I walked back, got in my van and drove along the bottom until I was able to get out and back on the road. I drove home somehow without any windows and with the heat on full blast. I was alive and well with no bruises or soreness whatsoever. Amazing! Anyway, here's the kicker: the next day I wake up and realize that I got poison ivy from walking through the brush that night. Only I could get poison ivy in the winter. So now I was alive and well but itchy! A good trade in my estimation. I'm a lucky man. I guess it wasn't my time to go yet. Here is another funny thing about this story too. I was talking about the incident at one of my shows one night and at the end a black gentleman yells out, "What do you mean that you hit some black guys?" I replied, "BLACK ICE, NOT BLACK GUYS, SIR!" You gotta love it.
Be careful out there my friends and remember to live each day as if it was your last because someday it will be. Love your family and friends to the max. It can all be taken away from you and them in a flash. Live Fully, Love Deeply and Laugh Often and thanks for reading from, The Comedy Tornado!!

My Travels Part 3

Well, I have been away for a while, I know, but I have been performing all over the place and between entertaining, writing, recording, family life and the holidays, life has been a little hectic, to say the least. I have been to the great states of Texas, Maryland, Massachusetts, Iowa, New York & Pennsylvania lately and have had a great times in all. I went to San Antonio Texas this past July to perform at The River Walk Comedy Club, which was one block from The Alamo. What was so strange for me, if you have never been there, was how small The Alamo actually looked. I expected the place to be a huge fort but instead it was quite small in stature. I guess people were a lot shorter back then or something. The property was of good size though. It almost looked like a scale model of the actual place. Worth the trip just to go to a place of such history. They also have a place called the River Walk, which is miles of a river that goes alongside restaurants and stores and is below street level. It is almost like a city below the city. Very pretty and different. A one of a kind place indeed. The people of Texas and the club were very nice too. Also an unusual fact was that the people of San Antonio didn't have southern accents. No southern drawl at all, as the rest of Texas has. Hard to believe. The big plus for me on that trip was that I finally got to have Jack In The Box tacos that I have been jonesing for ever since they left the east coast. They were everywhere down there. That is the only junk food I like in this world and I finally got to taste them once again before I die...lol.
I also was in Baltimore, MD a few months back to perform at one of my favorite comedy clubs, Tracy's. It has since been changed to Magooby's. I have so many friends in the Baltimore area and it is always such an extreme pleasure for me to return there. I have played baseball for a few years with The Baltimore Oriole's Fantasy Camp, a very special thanks to my friends Alex & Mike Flanagan and Steve Freeman. They have helped me to realize a dream of mine. I played baseball right up through college and have always missed it so much ever since and when they asked me if I wanted to do some shows for them in exchange for a week of baseball, how could I possibly resist. That has been one of the best presents I have ever recieved. I got to play baseball again with umpires, hang out with pros and hall of famers like Brooks Robinson, Jim Palmer, Earl Weaver, Jim Gentile, Rick Dempsey, Boog Powell and so many more and meet so many great people that I now call friends. Life doesn't get much better than that for a baseball lover like me. Just to sit around and hear the stories these people have to tell is so worth the price of admission. Plus, in the summer I get to play a game in Camden Yards. What a feeling to pitch on that mound, to play on that field and to hit at the plate with the big jumbotron in center field on with your picture on it.......AMAZING! I have been and still am a big Yankee fan but the Orioles are a class organization and now my second favorite team. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.
I recently just got back from Iowa to do a corporate show for The Terex-Cranes Company. As anyone who knows me knows, I hate flying as it is and I had to take a little prop plane from Minnesota to Waterloo, Iowa for about 45 minutes. I absolutely hate little planes and this one was bumpy and loud. When we were over Iowa a man across the aisle stated how we were close to the area where Buddy Holly's plane went down. (Thanks, I needed to hear that!) Any other good news? Anyway, the people that hired me, Mike & Jolene Trujillo were two great, fun people and took me out to dinner the night before. Meeting people such as them makes trips like that so worth all of the stress I have to endure just thinking about flights. We later hung out after the show and played songs on the guitar and told jokes. What a blast.
This past Friday night I did a show at The Brookdale College Performing Arts Center in Lincroft, NJ with Dennis Malloy of NJ101.5 Radio, Steve Trevelise from WIP sports Radio of Philadelphia and fellow comedian Joseph Anthony. We had a great time, the audience was superb and the venue is beautiful. It is a theater with great acoustics and that holds around 300 people, which is nice and intimate. You know how I love intimate settings. The last time I played there, I was in the rock band, Salty Dog in 1977. (I'm showing my age now). It was nice to return there and have so much fun. There actually might a DVD video released of that show. I will keep everyone posted on that fact if it comes to light.
Saturday, I was in Bethlehem, PA to do my 4th annual show for The Northampton Community College Girls Softball team. That may not sound special to you but let me tell you something about this team, last year they broke the all-time undefeated record for any sports college team in college history. They were at 94 consecutive wins before they lost any games, a record that was held by UCLA since 1973. That is so amazing. It has to be contributed to the couching staff, led by my good friend Sam Carrodo. Not only is he a very gifted coach, obviously, but he is a tremendous human being that gives so much of his time, energy and friendhip to everyone he meets. I consider it such a priviledge to know him and to be in his presence every year. He also makes a mean Baked Ziti!
I don't know where my travels will take me in the future but I hope they are as much fun and rewarding as the last few months have been for me. I am currently working on my next CD of my serious music and all I can say is if you liked my last one, you are going to love this one even more. I really love the new songs and the way they are coming out thus far. It should be out sometime in the next 6 months.
Please, take care of yourselves and as always, thanks for reading from, THE COMEDY TORNADO!!